I am a thrifty sort of fellow and when it comes to watches, I enjoy plumbing the depths of parsimony. I've found Five Watches Under $50 and enjoyed $20 HMTs,
but when I saw the offer from Free Watch Boutique, I knew I was about
to experience epic next-level cheapness. A watch for the cost of
shipping - a whopping £8 (@$13 USD)? I could hardly call myself The Time
Bum if I didn't check it out. So I did, and that is how I got the
shittiest watch on earth.
I first noticed Free Watch Boutique on
Instagram and followed the link back their site, which offered a
generic minimalist quartz. You know they type: 40mm case, 20mm nylon
NATO, the same one you see all over Kickstarter and IndieGoGo with
different logos. These watches are common Chinese catalog items cranked
out by the millions. They aren't exactly free, but cheap enough in bulk.
The site claims they are giving watches away so everyone can enjoy a
quality timepiece and to provide jobs in the community. I figure it's
more likely someone ended up with a batch of cheapos for pennies a piece
and decided to unload them at a slim profit as an alternative to
trashing the lot. Regardless, I am
not a big fan of these watches, and had no desire to own one, but I
thought it would make a good article. Maybe something about the last
word in cookie-cutter quartz.
With
a fully formed rationalization, I clicked the "add to cart"
button. "How bad could it be?" I asked myself. A few weeks later, the
watch arrived from Singapore in a small padded envelope. The declared
value was 18¢. Often, these values are understated in order to squeeze
below a certain tariff threshold. In this case, I suspect it is exactly
accurate. How bad is this watch? It is spectacularly, hilariously awful.
The watch I received was not the
watch in the pictures. Most notably, it does not have a sterile,
brand-free dial. Instead, it is a half-assed, counterfeit Daniel
Wellington. The appropriated brand name is all over it in weak printing
and shallow engraving. I have often said the best part of collecting
affordable watches is that they are too cheap to fake. I was wrong. I
understand why people buy luxury brand knock offs. I don't agree with
it, but I get it. I don't understand why anyone would buy a mass-market
knock off. Would you buy a replica Honda Civic? Not that there is
anything wrong with either the Civic or the DW but why bother when the
real thing is common as dirt? Obvious trademark infringement aside, I
think they missed an opportunity for satire here. They should have
called the watch Beef Wellington, complete with a backwards "B" in the
logo. That would have been funny. This is just sad.
The watch arrived free of any
protective plastic film. Instead, it was covered with smeary
fingerprints. The applied markers and polished hands are pocked and
dirty. The minute hand isn't parallel to the dial so it rises up as it
reaches the bottom of the dial and drops back at the top. The crown
wobbles when you set it. The
case is best described at an utter shitshow. It is nicked, dented, and
gouged. Jagged chunks of metal are missing from both sides between the
lugs. Remarkably, this damage occurred before it was plated. Outstanding.
I thought I might at least get an
extra NATO strap out of it. Not so. The strap is only acceptable if you
like frayed edges, lumpy seams, uneven holes, and "Daniel Wellington"
poorly engraved on the hardware. Really? With all the nylon NATO straps
in the world, they went and found the absolute shittiest one.
But wait! There's more! The envelope also contained a special gift. I am
now also the proud owner of a creepy, nightmare-faced fairy charm. What
happened to its mouth? Why does it look like it is trying to scream?
Are those supposed to be breasts spilling over its elbows? What the
fuck? I mean, what the fucking fuck?
Everything about this watch is an
abject failure. Well, except one. You see, the watch does tell time.
That part is right on the button and with typical quartz accuracy to
boot. Still - and this is the only time I will ever say this - if given
the choice between wearing this watch and just reading the time off my
phone, I'd just choose the phone.
I'd say that I would not recommend ordering this watch, but it's too late for that. The Richmond and the rest of the DW clones are gone from the site and they are offering a new model free watch as well as a line of inexpensive belts. I can only imagine what these products must be like, but based on their initial offering, I don't care to find out.
I'd say that I would not recommend ordering this watch, but it's too late for that. The Richmond and the rest of the DW clones are gone from the site and they are offering a new model free watch as well as a line of inexpensive belts. I can only imagine what these products must be like, but based on their initial offering, I don't care to find out.
Pro: It tells time [Update 8/11/16: It stopped.]
Con: Everything else
Sum: What am I going to do with this piece of shit?
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